Setting boundaries: 6 tips for happy relationships
Setting boundaries: 6 tips for happy relationships
Boundaries can be a healthy part of any relationship, allowing you to ask for basic respect for your personal space and choices. While it can be nice to do things with or alongside others, it is important to still have your own identity outside of being with that person. This is where setting boundaries is vital.
What do we mean by setting boundaries?
A boundary is, in essence, a limitation. This may occur all the time or at different intervals. In doing so, you should see a separation between yourself and another person. Doing so can make your relationships stronger and healthier.
Having agreed boundaries in place can allow both you and the other party to understand your limitations. This can also help to reduce anxiety if you end up speaking less frequently as a result, as you can then understand when it is appropriate to make contact, as well as potentially why you or they may need to be more distant.
Likewise, your partner, or the other person involved, may have their own boundaries they wish to put into place about your interactions.
Open communication is vital for boundaries to be understood and acknowledged. While you may choose to give a reason for the boundary, you are also within your rights to set it without the need to validate your choice.
'No' is a full sentence
There may be people in your life who do not understand why you have put a boundary in place or, worse still, choose to ignore it without reasoning. You may want to rethink your relationship with these individuals if they cannot respect your wishes.
A saying to keep in mind is that ‘No.’ is a full sentence. Although it may be helpful to give justification when setting boundaries, you are entitled to state your wishes without needing to give a full explanation.
The use of boundaries can be a form of self-care, enabling you to decompress or have quality time to yourself. Therefore, by ignoring them, the individual would be disrespecting you as a person.
If this occurs, it may be good to step back from the relationship and think about whether it is a positive one.
Consider feasibility when setting boundaries
While you might want others to respect your space, some of the boundaries you desire may be unrealistic. These may become barriers, rather than boundaries, and actually be unhealthy.
An example of this could be a boundary about telephone calls. You may decide that you will no longer accept any calls before 8am. Yet, this decision could lead to you ignoring emergencies.
A better version of this boundary would be to ask people to avoid calling you before 8 am, except for in emergencies. It may take some time for people to start acknowledging your boundary. Should they still call, you could then reiterate that you do not wish to talk before 8 am and hang up.
Working to avoid barriers can allow you to still maintain healthy relationships with your loved ones while respecting your need for personal time.
Allow yourself a separate identity
Becoming codependent in a relationship isn’t good for either party. One of the crucial benefits of setting boundaries can be the separation of self from another person.
While you may view your partner as a safe space, it is unfair for you to rely on them to regulate your well-being. This could even be deemed as a toxic coping mechanism if you are unable to deal with smaller issues without their help.
This could involve spending some nights on your own if you don’t live together, or going out with friends without your partner present.
Although you might enjoy time with your partner, part of a healthy relationship is still being content, and feeling at peace, when they aren’t around.
People who are codependent may be referred to as clingy or needy. These words are often thought of negatively. At times, they may be used incorrectly to put down a person. Yet, some of the time, they are used to refer to a person who doesn’t seem to have a sense of self when they aren’t with their partner.
Co-dependency can often occur as a result of poor self-esteem. Should you find yourself unable to function properly when on your own, you may want to look at how you view yourself. This may mean that you need to motivate yourself to seek therapy or otherwise work on your mental health.
Should you notice yourself becoming codependent, it can also be wise to consider your relationship as a whole. Speaking to friends and family may assist with this. In some instances, the co-dependency may have been created by the partner as an abuse tactic to ensure you rely on them. When this is the case, it is important to go somewhere safe as soon as possible and open up about your experiences to seek help.
Start immediately with children
Boundaries don’t only exist with romantic partners. Depending on their age, you might also want to begin teaching your children about boundaries.
While you want them to consider you a place of warmth and love, their actions at home may not be acceptable in the wider world, especially as they grow older.
This can allow you to set your own limits with your children, such as leaving Mummy or Daddy alone during certain hours if they work from home. As they get older, this could develop into asking for a cuddle or a kiss, rather than entering someone’s personal space to get what they want. These discussions may be vital, especially as your child becomes a teen, to teach them about consent and bodily autonomy.
Likewise, your child may also want to set their own boundaries. Sadly for them, these shouldn’t be used to get out of chores or homework. Instead, it can give them the freedom of choice regarding how they would like people to greet them. Some children may dislike being pressured into giving extended relations a hug or a kiss. They might prefer to wave, say hello, or even give a high five.
Teaching boundaries from a young age can give your child greater empathy towards the wants and needs of others while also respecting their own thoughts.
At the same time, this can allow you, as a parent, to have freedom of choice regarding when you are touched. This could greatly reduce the likelihood of you feeling burned out when parenting, and even allow you to have a better relationship with your children borne out of mutual respect.
Be unapologetic
You shouldn’t need to apologise to others for wanting time to yourself. While the recipient might not appreciate the boundaries you wish to put into place, they should follow them if they genuinely care about your needs and well-being.
At times, you may find that some individuals use gaslighting and emotional manipulation to try and make you feel guilty about your boundaries. You may feel like you have to alter or remove your boundaries to not be seen as a villain. However, this enables that individual to have too much power over you.
In these instances, there is a potential that your relationship is toxic. You may want to give serious thought to the history with that individual to figure out whether this is a one-time event or if similar issues have cropped up in the past.
Never be ashamed or feel bad for carving out time for yourself or setting down limits. Keep a record of the limits you set and any agreements in place with others to ensure that you hold yourself accountable for both respecting the boundaries of others and respecting your own needs.
Review your boundaries regularly
While some boundaries may remain in place permanently, others might be subject to change.
One instance of this may have been the boundaries you and your partner had in place while living separately. Should you then move in together, you may wish to think about setting boundaries that align more with your new living situation.
Reviewing your relationships with others as a whole can allow you to pinpoint any aspects you aren’t happy about.
Figuring out your stress factors can allow you to then seek ways to resolve them. This could involve stepping back from some relationships and setting boundaries involving space and time.
Others may require more effort. For example, if you notice you haven’t spent much time with a friend, you could set a positive boundary that you will only attempt to contact them once so that you aren’t always the one trying to make plans.
Setting boundaries in everyday life
It can take some time for your new boundaries to be followed by others. By sticking to your decisions and reiterating your limits, you may be able to find more peace within your relationships.
The act of setting boundaries is mostly about clear communication. You need to be able to state what you would like from the other person, as well as how the issue makes you feel so that they can understand the situation and what you would like from them.
Likewise, when other people are setting boundaries with you, it is vital that you actively listen to what is being asked of you so that you can reciprocate and respect their needs.
The end result can be happier, healthier relationships where both parties feel heard and acknowledged.
Have your say
Setting boundaries can enable you to retain your sense of health even when you are also a partner, parent, family member, or friend.
These are just a few of the ways you can help to set limitations and carve out time for yourself while still respecting and maintaining the relationships around you.
If you have some ideas regarding how to set boundaries or create positive relationships in general, you might want to think about writing a guest post for Mindful Me.
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